Still the rain pours...I've be so lucky with my month in Thailand...it is only really these last few days that I have been reminded that I decided to visit slap bang in the middle of the rainy season....I feel sorry for the tourists who arrived a few days ago and haven't seen the sun yet!

I arrived at La Flora yesterday afternoon. It is right on the beach front....I thought my room was close to the beach at the Marriott but La Flora takes the biscuit..I'm on my private patio now as a rain storm batters us on the coast, looking out over the pool with the blue crashing surf only 20ft away....so if there is another tsunami (god forbid) - then you will see me floating out into the Andaman sea on my mattress!

Although it is hot and humid, when it rains you are pretty much screwed if you have no money...I've done all the trips and so I just wanted to relax in the sun in Patong...but the young tourists who are cash strapped have nothing to do except drink...so bring some games with you in the rainy season!...oh but then I haven't got anyone to play with..shit!..

Anyways....last night I ventured out and in a short distance from my hotel I saw humanity in all its glorious vomit inducing forms...there was an international feel to Patong last night..for me an international world of pain...I'm not a snob..but why do all day booze joints; ping pong shows, titty bars; and streets lined with whores and pimps without fail, always attract a certain kind of person...? It's a mystery to me.

The million or so shanty town style bars were fulfilling their role in life by giving heavenly sanctuary to their adourning flock who were drinking copious amounts of the "amber nectar" kindly provided... for a price....bar after bar with vile Siren like hookers lining both sides of the walkway..smiling, pouncing, and insisting that the thirsty, aching, travellers buys their services...drawing them into their dark, dens....

"You wanna masage?"...
"no"
"nice boy....you wanna massage?.Wadda matter? I look affer yooooou... come wi me...."..(touches my arse)...
"er no and GET OFF (evil look..Alex knows the one) please".....
"you wanna suit?...nice suit...nice shirt..how much you pay for that shirt? where you from".....
"What?"....
"where you from?"
"What's that got to do with the price of a shirt"?..he reaches to shake my hand...I decline
"Lovely shirt..come ...how much you pay?"
"£120"..
"I do same shirt for £40"
"REAllY...I bought this in the South of France Sweedie..it's unique.. "(oh ohhhh I'm been drawn in..must escape!)
"Come..I show"
"No thank you...LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Come in shop and see lovely material...very cheap"..
"NO!"

I walk off into the distance into another similar spiders web....it was like that everywhere..people sticking menus in your face...grabbing your arm...trying to pull you to one side.......I really don't like that aspect of this culture....

I walked past "The Orchid Guesthouse".....everything is "Orchid"....."Orchid Massage"..."Orchard Restuarant" ...."Orchard Sauna" ...."Orchid Whorehouse"...get the drift?....I also saw the "Yorkshire Hotel"..."The Austrian Restaurant"..."Ozzy owned"..and what I love is that the hotels and restaurants proudly display as prominently as their name, the ISO 90000 certification!!!! I love it...what is that all about? But.... the "Yorkshire hotel"?...God the mind boggles..

You can just imagine check-in.....

"Hey up there...now then...now then....how ya diddling?
"Welcome Mr Duddweee"
"Aayh now, now then, we have a room Buuked.. is it ready my love?
"It rareweee sir"
"What's that ting tong?"
"its rarewee sire...(and bows)
"Sorry love...we'll have none of that ear...Nooooooo...you doooon't need ta bow to us..love oooooh nooooooo...ecky thump.
(Receptionist is confused and frowns).
"Now..we've had a long bloody journey, me and the mrs ..were buggered.....not literally mind...hahaha we'll get on tathat later...you get me love? (wink wink)....so can we have a nice cup of PG oh and make sure that you've got a bit of HP for our breakfast tomorow....we don't like that chilli muck...."
(Receptionist stabs herself and dies)

They ARE here!

Eventually I ended up at the Paradise complex where there is a collection of bars. It reminded me of Gran Canaria..so yes, it wasn't exactly soho but there was a nice atmosphere despite the rain. What struck me immediately was that there was no loud music...but it was early...so I assumed that would change...and it did!

I went to "Connect" which is the first stop for everyone apparantly. It was quite amusing...if you can picture a little enclave...a wide road/path down the middle and then the bars line both sides..all have seating outside.

As I was sat outside the front of Connect we were sat facing everyone sat outside the other bars opposite and I thought it was funny because people who had recognised eachother from a prior debauched evening, simply sat and waved at eachother silently....they didn't get up and go and say "hello", they just gave this great big wave and smile as if they were on passing ferries, miles apart on an open ocean...rather than a 20 ft wide road...

As everyone gazed, and talked amongt themselves...my ears pricked up...the muggy night air was peppered with gentle waves of the Dallas theme music shortly followed by Dynasty mixed in with techno music from another bar which overall produced a painful audible mess but hysterical that they played Dallas - some of the bar boys were even jigging to it!

As for me, those 2 theme tunes bought back very very fond memories and some regrets because I played the lead soprano trumpet/cornet on both those tracks in an orchestra in my teens and loved it. It's funny how a memory can be jolted by something as anodyne as theme music. I used to rehearse 5 hours a day every day for 6 years and in six years passed Grade 7....university then beckoned, along with a career, and I was advised to drop music....I thought I could have the best of both worlds, but of course you can't. My studies wouldn't allow me to rehearse and neither would my flatmates or neighbours!..so music was over..and every now and then I get a huge pang of remorse when I hear silly theme tunes or watch an orchestra play the 1812 Overture...or I hear Haydens E Flat Trumpet Concerto (My Grade 7 piece)..a fantastic concerto....

Well back at Connect..I thought I would reward myself with a cocktail...so I ordered a long island iced tea...and it was dynamite; with my ample drink and lots of different people or circus acts to poke fun at in my mind.. I sat back...the old queen that ran the joint obviously took pity on me and briefed me on where to go that night...and when to go..that was very important!...He was a friendly, harmless chap a dark weathered face lit up with a sincere, gentle smile...he loaded my iced tea with a gallon of tequilla and that one drink almost polished me off...I've hardly drank while I've been in Phuket...

After about an hour the song "BOYS BOYS BOYS" whailed out from the bar opposite and about 20 go-go boys all in matching white knee high socks, trainers and underwear started prancing outside to the song..Oh God Bless them...there was safety in numbers, but it was still totally embarassing for them....although thinking about it...they looked as though they were enjoying it! I looked on in shock but was advised that this was a nightly tradition.JESUS!I say shock because if my staff looked like that they would not have been allowed out! I want customers to come in and spend money..not run away in a blind panic..screaming "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!"

It looked lively over at KISS so I said cheerio to the bar man and moved over there and started talking to some other tourists..a local joined us...along with twenty of his friends..."This it ANWEW airweeeone...he awone!"...that announcement was followed by a knowing grin...

SHIT!

I didn't need that advertised because I was suddenly very popular..or rather the wad of notes in my jeans were.....I didn't like it at all...you couldn't have a chilled regular relaxed conversation..it was BUSINESS....and if you were there, and you were European then you obviosuly only wanted one thing...right? Er WRONG!!! "YOU LIKE....if you LIKE we ave Private rooms upstair..."....OH GOD it really was awful.....I remained polite at all times and promised them all one thing...."LATER, LATER"......my only solace was the music which was great...

Then out of the blue....a little pigmy looking mexican came running out of Connet starkt bollock naked with Mr Dingaling squeezed and hidden between his thighs...so he looked like a women...if you get the drift...he jumped on a bar next to the walkway and started dancing in the pouring rain for everyone opposite.......I almost wet myself...he was really in his own little world...someone took pity on him and stuck a white paper napkin over his naval area..but that broker into a thousand pieces because of the rain and made him look like he'd got alapecha....but he just carried on dancing away.....with everyone cheering him on...although it was outraeous and I do not condone in any way that kind of behaviour...it was BLOODY FUNNY!....After all of that excitement I was tired....

So I meandered my way back to La Flora in the rain and thought fondly about my forthcomine trip to the South of France....the gorgeous crystal blue views of the mountains from Villa Aldaben; Alex, Sally & Terry, Lil and Ben.....I'm really looking forward to getting over there now....I've missed Terry's "Tables; and have actually dreamt about Sally's cooking!...that's a sign I think...it's almost time to return home....

Ax :)

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