What joy! I have some good news...two brilliant experiences in 2 days...

Yesterday, still aching from my Thai Massage I returned to the Spa for a "Mud Treatment"....I hadn't properly studied the treatment book when I booked the appointment....but it just sounded good...so on the day I discovered it was "a wrap"....I thought that was film production terminology but the receptionist explained that they were going to (and I'm paraphrasing!) - get me naked...slap mud all over me and wrap me up in plastic....sounded rather sensual I thought....so my attendent arrived smiling...they always are... and ushered me to the private room where I was told to put the dressing gown on and clang the gong when I was ready...once she left I thought....Mmmmm do I take my trunks off or leave them on?....so I chimed the gong and sent everything on the delicate little table flying with the stick...as she entered, pointing to my trunks, I asked.."off or on?"....the smiling lady wide eyed replied "Everyting (no h) off!"..."ok"...so I shut the door, whipped off my trunks, put on the dressing gown and I was ready....I hit the gong again feeling quite regal at this stage and she returned sitting me down so she could wash my feet..it all felt very biblical...like liddle baby Jesus washing the tootsies.

She then said "ok we go over to the table....you take off your gown"....with a startled expression I said "what now..just like that"?..."he-he no I show you, I hold up sheet"...."Ahhh ok"...so as I derobed, she held up a sheet so she couldn't see Mr Dingaling...and I lied flat, face down, on a sheet of uncomfortable plastic...she covered me in a cotton sheet and then removed it from half of my body...exposing my lilly white arse to the world....I thought mmmm ok this is novel and after what seemed like 5 minutes or rather an eternity,(I thought she may have been doing a sketch or watercolour of my backside)....she started massaging this cold mess down my legs and over my arse..then up my side and arms....she then covered me up and did the other side..I was then told to turn over...."ohhh hello".....so she held the sheet up and once I was on my back she covered me again and then scrunched the sheet up into my groin area so as not to expose Mr Dingaling...and then massaged this mud into me again...it was cold and I did not like the plastic sheet at all - I felt like an incontinent retard..anyway, she did the front in 4 stages... each leg....then upper torso both sides...each time taking care not to expose Mr Dingaling....Now I'm sure she had a look because I couldn't see a bloody thing - I was blindfolded....crafty cow. :)

I could imagine some dirty old git getting quite excited at the experience and having an embarassing moment as he is told to turn over...luckily for me...and her.. that wasn't going to happen!

After the mud was applied I was wrapped in the plastic and then covered in blankets and sweated while she gave me a wonderful head massege. After about 20 minutes I was told to shower and again although the glass in the shower cubicle was frosted it wasn't frosted enough for my liking. I was positive she could see in .....outrageous!.....so I gave her a little dance as I scraped all of the mud off me...which fankly took some time... I was then re-robed and told to lay down on my front because she had to put lotion all over my body....GOD I've never had a women massage my arse with lotions before, but I think she did a pretty good job!

Afterwards my skin felt like like a babys and she also gently massaged my arms and hands which I loved......so that was an experience that I thought was ok...but probably wouldn't repeat in a hurry.....

Then today I was blown away! I was off on a Quad Bike trek...Ozzy Osbourne eat your heart out. Hopefully I would avoid injury unlike poor Ozzy but I did think about the likelihood of injury as I sat in the lobby at 8am listening to 70's music in the background on the pan-pipes.....which is the curse of this Thai trip...I'm been stalked by Pan-pipes. The music however was muffled mercifully by the sound of water gushing out of a huge nearby water fountain at the front of the hotel along with the sound of the occassional car engine and reverse sirens beeping away, as cars pulled up to check people in whilst others departed. It was a nice gentile start to the day, which is more than could be said for last night.

The screeching cats were out in force whining like babies. I think they are in season but I still wanted to shoot them at 3am because the racket was awful. I actually tried to befriend one of them yesterday but it gave me the middle finger so screw them. If we have a repeat performance tonight I will give the little shits something to whine about. A large bucket of cold water thrown in their direction should shut them up.

Anyway today was Quad bike day and after the elephant "Trek" saga I was understandibly retiscent. With fingers crossed we drove down to the ATV camp. We arrived at the "camp" with all of the quad bikes lined up, and slowly but surely about 20 people arrived. We filled in the release forms and got kitted out with helmets and gloves.

Meanwhile mother nature was hard at work because the sky had gone black and the loudest thunder I had ever heard started clapping and crackling over head at regular intervals accompanied by its partner in crime...Lord Flash of Lightening. Some people were starting to get a bit squirmish which was understandable because it was really loud. But it didn't rain....well for at least 10 minutes and then the heavens opened.

We were told to "get going" but before that, we were given ponchos...so I had a lovely yellow one which I put on, hood up, over which I sat my helmet...how gorgeous!....Then off we went. The rain was asolutely hammering us and I thought it was madness leaving the safehaven of the shed...but it did look like fun....so in for a penny and in for a pound!

For the first 30 minutes we went on a circuit to get used to the bikes and we kept in single file....I thought oh god here we go again, another anti-climatic crap adventure BUT after the "warm up" the fun really began.

This was one of the best 2 hours of my sabbatical... picture a jurrasic style tropical rain forest, with its mass of ancient vegetation; the warm rain loudly carpet bombing and exploding through the living green ceiling high above our heads; the air around us, infused with a million fragrances from the abundant flora as we sweated and navigated our way along a narrow, wet, muddy dirt track....winding, turning, going up and down...speeding along and slamming down over mangrove tree roots, boulders, smashing through water filled mud pools, potholes..fords....thrown all over the place by the uneven terrain but always surrounded by nature's living perfection....it was brilliant.

It made the Range Rover test track look like a walk in the park!

Dirt and water flew everywhere and these things can move....most people know I like going fast and at times mine would not go any faster...I had floored the accelerator and flew, so much so, after about one hour of this sublime adventure I got cocky and in an open dirt area which bizarrely was relatively dry, I deliberately started doing a wheel spin at full pelt into a corner and as I turned the other way, the bike started to kind of aqua glide across the dirt sideways and it then turned over and flew me off......slightly embarassing... but I didn't give a shit even though I had slashed my arm...I couldn't turn it back up right on my own because these things weigh a ton...but a helper aided me...actually I was in a mess because I had taken off my poncho. As a result, I was soaked and covered headed to toe in brown mud....and now blood....hey-ho... the guy asked if I was ok and after I assured him I was ....I bombed away again....thinking.... OMFG I LOVE THIS!!!!!

As the route finished and we arrived back into the camp on a nearby hill we were all treated to the sight of two dogs shagging for Britain and as if that wasn't bad enough after we got off our bikes and took off our helmets, they very kindly came right down in front of us and carried on their "performance" with great big grins on their faces..going at it like rabbits..It was hysterical.

Now I regret getting rid of the poncho because although you sweat like a bitch in them...they do keep the mud off you....as the fabulous two hours sadly came to an end unlike everyonelse who kept their ponchos on, I looked like a black minstrel....I was covered in mud and crap and somehow had to get back to the hotel in a cab. After my arm was treated with pure alcohol...AAAARRRGHH and Iodine, luckily, the cab driver saw the funny side of it and agreed for me to sit in his cab on another poncho but as I got out of the car I was met by startled faces and was ushered to security no less!!!! "Er..I'm actually staying here folks...sorry about the mess!" I said meekly.."oh sorry sir...welcome back"...."I should bloody Coacoa gavnar!" . I left a trail of sand an crap behind me ....oops!

So if you come to phunket MAKE SURE YOU DO THE ATV TREK!!!!!!

A :)