Yes you've guessed it, I had had enough of Bangkok....for me it really was too reminiscent of Mumbai or Bangalore which reminded me of work and I didn't need reminding of that....I'm already depressed knowing that I only have 3 weeks left of my sabbatical....I would have loved it had I just gone for 3 days...but 8 days was OVERLOAD...take my advice don't do it! 2-3 days in Bangkok is more than enough....

After choking on my own vomit at checkout at the price of internet connection...yes seven nights did cost me £135!!!!..as politely as I could without spiting too much acid everywhere, I made my way to the cab rank...

I couldn't wait to get to Phuket...I needed some fresh air for godsake rather than reading about alert warnings in the paper reminding me that the air I was breathing at certain points in the day actually was hazardous.....I honestly feel like a smoker again the air is that shitty here.....

I had my bags packed on Saturday afternoon even though I was not flying until Sunday morning...and so this morning after a good nights sleep I headed off to the airport...speedy Gonzalez collected me at the cab rank to take me to the airport in his bright yellow pimped up Toyota...complete with a spoiler on the boot lid the size of an A380 wing

....After I had climbed in, he drove off with his exhaust muffler screaming down the alley playing with his little formula one style steering wheel as he went...I had to laugh because for all the pimping I sat in the back of his tacky pimp mobile and thought "Sweetheart it still only has an engine that provides marginally more thrust than an Antony Worrell Thompson food blender...and shit his car sounded like one...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee clunck weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee came the shrill from the engine...hardly VA VA VOOOOOOOOOOOM I thought..anyway after I had said cheerio to Nigel Mansell...I checked in and went over to the Bangkok Airways lounge with all the other nomads and sat down to read for an hour...

I had neglected my Bill Bryson book....which I unbelievably started reading on a train on my way to Nikko in Japan several weeks earlier...so I started reading....and as I started to giggle out loud to some of his antics....particualry the hotelier in Weston...who got both barrels when Bill had got caught in the rain, soaked by a passing car (who deliberately soaked him) and then he could not get back into his B&B style hotel at 9 pm...he was locked out...so he let the hotelier have it....anyway as I was imagining his plight with selfish glee, something interrupted my day dream..

...what was it?....what is that???.....it took me a few minutes to work it out...but yes it was an awful arrangement of Carol Kings epic song "You've got a friend" .....played by a single, dying Spanish Guitar.....supermarket music in other words...what have they done?...Leave perfection alone you twats I thought....but no sooner had that finished then we had Greensleeves no less on the fucking pan-pipes!!!!!!......oh god...my concentration was broken forever ..what next Kenny G?....Luckily they called the flight and I left Pan-pipe hell and legged it to the Gate..stuffing Bill back in my bag as I went...and one short uneventful flight later I arrive in Phuket...

I had arranged for the hotel to collect me....which they did in a Merc except this time I was given the coldest Flannel EVER to wipe my face with...it was so cold it alomst stuck to my face and gave me frost-bite...lovely...just what I neeed becasue it was bloody hot....fifteen short minutes later we were pullling up at the J W Marriot Phucket Resort...

First impressions were excellent....the lobby, the check in procedure....the sea which I could see from the check in desk...BUT something wasn't quite right....there is no doubt it gets it's 5 stars with merit...but I don't know maybe I'm being a bit fussy but....... WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FRIGGING CHILDREN HERE!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SHIT SHIT SHIT! Way to many kids.....JESUS....NOT WHAT I NEEEDED!! Don't get me wrong..I love kids ..just not at a five star resort which I have paid for......we have Butlins or Centre Parcs for kids...or better still Summer Camp.....THE WHOLE SUMMER!...You know the ones...when mum and dad say to Charlie Brat in June....."Well son..have fun....(cos we will)..and we will see you in.......September!"

...The check-in girly assured me the reort was huge and there were pools (they have 3 big ones) and areas where the kids don't go....Thank JESUS for that...After a quick Recce I did not want to be surrounded by a thousand indian kids.....yes there are a lot of them here....I had experienced two rude little fuckwits at the Conrad which I forgot to mention...spoilt brats who treated the hotel staff at the pool with contempt - and were left unchallenged by their parents.....they were all for the easy life....sy yes to everything and make their kids other peoples problems....I love those kind of parents....I was waiting for one member of staff to snap and say something and for the parents to have a go at the hotel staff and that would have been a green light for me..thunderbirds would have been fucking go...I would have gone to town on them..and given the fact that I was really pissed at having to wait until Sunday to escape Bangkok.....it would not have taken much to set me off and the eruption would not have been pretty...but the parents were brain dead zombies lounging like fat over-fed lazy hippos.... god it was depressing....I could have stabbed them both with my Sun lounger...but there was more than 2 brats here....more like a hundred...without a zen zone (i.e no kid zone)...I would be appearing on the BBC news pretty frigging pronto on Charges of Murder...

My room though is lovely....even if it is a little dated....I have a balcony overlooking the rainforest garden, sunken bath....walk in shower etc...and a relaxation area with floor loungers...and sumptious cushioning with a floor to ceiling plate glass window looking into the garden...very Zen!

After I had had a shower I noticed my room is 10 seconds away from the spa and gym...the gym is huge and brilliantly equipped...and as the for the health spa..well that certainly gets my vote..it is beautifully designed...tranquil....NO KIDS.....NO NOISE...so I had a 90 minute Thai massage in my private room in the spa.....with water fountains etc...it was perfect...it was also my first proper proper Thai Massage...where they tie you in knots and make you scream...I have to admit for a large part of the experience I was in acute pain...especially when she kept crushing my gonads with her full weight whilst pushing one leg into another...picture it?....I tried to be polite but when she rolled me over to do the same to the other leg...I found myself in the same predicament..so as she pressed in...instead of biting my tongue in half like before...I screamed, and as she jumped I was able to re adjust...phew!....

This evening I ventured out to get dinner for one of the various restaurants...deli's...I wanted to get something to take back to my room - so I went to the Siam Deli...the hotel at night with the way in which it is lit up is quite beautiful......huge lanterns are lit everywhere ...it's alomst a different hotel with restuarants overlooking the reflection pool....it is totally idyllic at night.....and it reminded me of the Trident hotel in Gurgeon in Delhi which I love.....which is a big compliment because the Trident I think is one of the most beautiful hotels I have stayed in....minimalist...zen....tranquil pools....candles...everyone whispers..its perfect...

Tomorrow though it's action stations...gym first thing, breakfast...a quick hour or so on the beach and then I have my safari and finally I get to ride an Elephant, see how rubber is made in a rubber plantation... etc...I can't wait..so it is into a Jasmine bath for me and of to bed!

Night night.

a :)