Well it had to be done....I hit the drink bars last night..and my what a sight...I got to Silom around 10.30pm and the street markets were in full swing with every tatooed, lanky, skuzzy "essex boy" from Germany, France, Australia and the UK lurking around the stalls and bars with their new chinese aquisitions...along with the nasty little pimps who come up to you every two seconds and mention those two immortal words....."Ping Pong"....and push the menu cards in your face....
The international collection of essex boys did make me smile...I would say these guys were in their twenties...without a care in the world....no respect for themsleves and certainly not for the girls they were dragging around...their mission was clear as day...to shag anything that moved for as long as possible before flying home.....despite that though...I was pissing myself when one of the girls wanted a present...they were looking at the merchandise on a stall selling various interesting items in between a shirt stall and an Art and Craft stall.
She had seen something she wanted and picked it up...a great big dildo..and as she waved it in the air...she demanded that her new man buy it.....he was english and his face went super nova red....I was nextdoor looking at cheesecloth shirts......really laughing...clutching my stomach..the poor guy trying to sell me a shirt couldn't work out why I was apparantly laughing so much at his shirts......ahh god that was funny.....it gave me belly ache....she got the dildo though...she had abviously worked out what the rest of us had worked out...that she would have much more fun with that than with him!
I walked further down the market and I could hear this annoying loud click noise....upon closer inspection a stall holder was sat on a stool clicking a Tazer gun!!!!! What the hell??!!
I also kept seeing stalls selling replica guns and in fact replica everything..if I was louis vuitton, or Tag Heuer, or Diesel or universal studios I would be pretty worried and would be raiding these bloody stalls every five minutes...everythnig is copied.....
After all of that it was around 11.15pm and I thought it was time for a large Vodka tonic...so I went to the famous DJ bar...they were preparing for their nightly show....I went there for a beer when I first arrived and I have to say they take their shows really seriously...even if we don't!...
Anyway as the tension mounted the white stage curtain was raised (it really should be a lace curtain)...and there was a Lady Boy who had had surgery to look like Cher...why? God only knows but he had a wig the size of long island on his head...that fankly needed some TLC..it was a bloody mullet....he was dressed in a gold glittery dress...believing that he really was absolutely the dogs bollocks with his tit and silicone lip implants he pouted his way through a painful Whitney number....with the occasional tit popping out of the costume so he ended up doing a "Janet Jackson" several times...
He was supported by a troupe of dancers.... men and lady boys in their sequinned waist coats and matching skirts....trying desperately but failing miserably to dance in a cohesive choreographed way ...but god bless them..... the stage was the size of a bottle top so they were limited with their moves which no doubt they have to recyle in some small way for each show....I don't think any of them will be entering "So you think you can dance" any time soon...well not in this milllenia....anyway Cher stumbled out her Whitney number...forgetting some of the words as she went...but luckily the real whitney on the sound track had it covered!Phheww..!....it seemed quite an effort really simply for someone to mime into a mike....it was all very Priscilla Queen of the desert.......BUT after Cher had finished her warbler...the lights went out and it was Mariah Carey next....
Well...this one was tall, and lanky sporting a bedraggled long dark wig down to her arse and who had a face like a slapped arse...with a ten pound trout pout on her face...she was the ugliest cow on the planet...looking like a cross between Diana Ross (without the make up first thing in a morning) and Kerry Katonia after she has taken 4 grammes of Ketamin....and eaten a freezer full of "Should have gone to iceland" shite..Christ she/he was awful...but I felt for her because everyone was laughing at her....which was made worse because she really thought she was Mariah...she even kept strecthing the skin around her voice box to get the high notes.....EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ONLY BLOODY MIMING!....FRIGGING HYSTERICAL...Happily she stayed on for 2 numbers so we got double the fun and I quietly wet myelf in the corner......but throughout I could hear this annoying clicking noise...had Tazer Man joined the show somewhere??.. where do these people come from?
After she left the joker came on ...the fat drag queen who is literally three times the size of Vanessa Feltz when she has spent four days at the all you can eat buffet...He came on wearing a boob tube.....and a pair of elasticated black leggings that looked strained with a pair of black beetlecrusher style boots on and mimed an annoying high pitched chinese song.......it was very funny......he is quite the comedian and totally rips the crap out of himself..
But then the show ended...and the rain started....it absolutely poured down....so I legged it to Burger King next door enroute back to the hotel....I was having a sugar low...which when I drink alochol is never a god thing....in their I chatted away with some cabin crew fomr BA and Virgin and the virgin people will be manning my flight back to London on the 31st...how spooky is that! I couldn't actually wait for the rain to finish I was tired...so I said my good byes and legged it for a cab and got totally soaked in 30 seconds....it was a huge down pour and apart for the shower we had earlier this week is the only rain I have seen.....poor Taiwan!
This afternoon, I decided to have a trim at the barber shop in the hotel...I popped in and made an appointment ...it is like going back in time....inside is a whisky bar, traditional barber chair and cigars everywhere....it is the gents domain.....when I arrived for my appointment a chap who was about 75 and superbly dressed greeted me...I sat in the barber chair and he donned on his wonderful waitcoat, face mask (of course) and cocooned me in a mountain of cool cotton sheets to stop the hair getting on my clothes..as I looked around Taylors of Bonds products were everywhere....along with humidors and cigars...the smell was unmistakable...cuban tobacco....mixed in with eau de toiletts....gorgeous...and I was the conscious that my mouth was watering....I havn't smoked for almost 2 years now...and I liked the occassional cigar...I love the smell of them...it reminded me today of my grandfather and his pipe a the Farm and carbolic soap!....I loved it...
The barber didn't say a word...he looked at my head and gently got a brush and dabbed talcum poweder around my head ...he obviously knew what I wanted ....he didn't need to ask...he then got a comb and gave me an Arthus Scargill parting...which started to concern me a little bit...and he then began to clip away at my hair so gently it almost tickled..
My barber, George, back in London who is a genius doesn't mess around like that...but this was actually great..... a real treat...he was so delicate with the clippers I sat thinking "Awwwww you sweetheart"....he didn't want to make a mistake....he worked his way around remaining supremely careful and it looked pretty good... he then splashed into his hand some kind of tonic...rubbed it into my head and then proceeded to give me a shoulder, arm, and back massage....BLISS!....George you're fired!
That all cost 600 bat or £10....so I gave him a 300 bat tip....he is probably paid peanuts by the hotel....and he is a professional....After that though...I dashed back to my room and got rid of the Arthur Scargill parting before anyone noticed......
