My body clock is totally screwed at the moment and so after a very bad nights sleep, I was glad I arranged for a wake up call at 8am. Today, I planned to go to the Grand Palace (Wat Phra Kaew) and Wat Arun.

I had breakfast in the hotel and hailed a cab. I then fell victim to what I later discovered was a typical con at the fornt of the Grand Palace...because the monks pray in the Palace it is not open all day and closes at certain points...so upon arrival what looked like an official advised me that I could not go in at that time and should go on a Tut Tut - see a few sites and then come back....and behold a tut tut driver was there waiting to take me to 3 sites - I was told it would be 30 baan...or 50p....

I first went to the Golden Mountain temple which is pretty basic but worth a pek..dear Chom my tut tut driver waited...as I came out he was eating and appeared to panic that I wanted to leave...I told him to take his time and I took a walk around..and found another compound and a service was going on...basically these young guys were formally been appointed as monks..a kind of graduation day. I got talking to a Thai Airways pilot who said it was a very, very long service...and most of the people in the square were family and supporters..it was a big day for these families as their sons walked into the temple to be confirmed in their fetching orange monk outfits....I felt quite privilaged to see it...but having taken a few cheeky photos I left and found Chom.....and this is where the detour started...

I had agreed to go to the Thai Cultural centre..but instead I found myself at a jewellers..."Oh hello"...I thought...so I walked in and was immediately beseieged by staff..."Lovely diamonds, rubies, sapphires for wife"... "I don't have a wife" I responded...."Lovely diamonds, rubies, sapphires for mother, sister.."..."Oh frig"....actually I thought what the hell am I doing in here!!!!...so I thanked them for hindering me and left.....Returning to Tut tut land outside, I gave Chom a stern look....and said "That isn't what I had in mind for my tour Chom"....."You don't have to buy"....he protested...."Erm I don't want to go!..stop wasting my time!" ...so then the heavens opened....the Thai's would probably describe it as a light sprinkle of rain.....I would describe it as frigging Armageddon....it poured down....but it soon ended and it had all evaporated within what seemed like minutes!....we then escaped a nasty accident by inches...two motorbike cyclists crashed and Chom just noticed it in time....we did what one might describe as a hand brake turn and slid parallel to the bikers.....It was a shaky moment but the rain had made the roads like a greasy skating rink...We then turned up at a Tailor! Fuck!....My fuse was now offically a short fuse...but Chom begged that I go in....."ok!....but I'm not buying anything"...

Well!.....I walked in and actually I was quite impressed...in fact it was full of westerners and japanese which was encouraging....I asked to look as some material and found some very nice wool/cashmere and inquired about designs/prices.....I agreed to order 2 jackets or blazers for work without the gold buttons!...and also a couple of shirts and trousers....so after choosing the material, lining and shirt/trouser material I was measured up and paid the princely of £350....and I have my first fitting tomorrow...I was quite pleased about this little gem - the place is James Fashion International 439/1 Sukhothai Rd, Dusit...not far from the Palace....so I recommend you go....I also got a cup of tea as I was measured...which was very Saville Row...I instructed Chom that I was done with his little tour and that he should return me to the Palace...he did and we parted company....

The Palace is pretty amazing and as I walked in, a large women....a very large intimiating women wearing dark glasses and who weighed about 4 million pounds asked weather I wanted a tour...she had offical ID hanging around her neck so I asked how much?....I agreed to pay $600....and the fun started...she quickly demonstrated that she was the Mother of all tour guides..and was quite an institution at the Palace.....she explained what her name was in Thai...it was ridiculously long....with my mouth hitting the floor...she smiled and said..."..but you can call me Jackie!". She took me through to the ticket office and once passed the inspection post....(if you wear shorts..forget it - you won't get in)...she got me a bottle of water and her tour began...

She informed me that she will talk and at appropriate times she will tell me when to "click"...I nodded obediently..I was just starting to relax and take in the wonderful views when I heard her shout at the top of her lungs at 2 western tourists..."GET OFF THERE NOW....CAN'T YOU READ?...IT SAYS NO SITTING!!!!!!!SO DON'T SIT"...."Sorry sir....they do not pay attention to the signs...this is a sacred place..it is about respect...".....2 girls were resting on a marble wall...but sure enough there was a big sign saying don't sit!.....I nodded again and thought quite right Jackie and God bless you for completely bollocking the two twits in front of hundreds of tourists....I don't think they will do that again.......I was warming to Jackie alot now...you clearly didn't mess with her.....we proceeded and I was in awe at the buildings which were from dierent ages but my fvourites were the oldeds ones built by King Rama..circa 17th century....Gold leaf was everywhere and it all glistened in the sunshine....."FEET OFF THERE NOW...STUPID"...SHE SCREAMED at another Japanese tourist...who according to Jackie should have known better...I started to chuckle which was ill advised..Jackie wasn't laughing...she was deadly serious which forced me to take a closer look at the two umbrellas she was carrying...were they some secret weapon?.....

At certain points she sad ..."Sir move...you click now....good shot for you"....she actually knew how to use my camera better than me and demontrated thi several times by swiping it out of my hands and taking the photos herself...a novel concept and quite amusing.........

We then reached the Emerald Buddah...the most sacred of statues cast out of one piece of Jade..it truly is beautiful...to get into the temple it was shoes off...but we entered only after I had been briefed that under no circumstanes was I to take pictures....I thought having seen her deal with other tourists that she was crazy for thinking that she needed to remind me.....I wouldn't dare! We entered and Jackie was briefing me quietly when all of a sudden she literally lunged at a young couple....she waved over to the attendent soldier..and insisted that the tourist give her the camera....the tourist denied taking a photo..but blood hound Jackie smelt a rat.... she had seen the clever cow lower the camera to her belly button, slant the camera up and take the shot....very crafty!....but Ninja Jackie had seen her ....."Show me the last photo...now!". The tourist declined so the soldier grabbed the camera and gave it to Jackie...Jackie....the expert photographer found a photo of the Emerald buddah...(oh shit I thought.here we go) ......"YOU ARE A LIAR....YOU STUPID..." she hissed....I didn't know where to look......she then deleted the photo and gave the camera back to the tourist...and then said... "You can leave now".....The tourists literally withered before Jackie as she waved the camera in the air and reminded or rather warned everyone very sternly...."NO PHOTOS"!.....fuck me.....she is the real deal! I loved her...and sadly that was the end of the tour and having paid her she asked where I was going now...I said I was going to go on the river....so she offerd to escort me to the river side..it was only 3 minutes...and sure enough she got me the boat, instructed the driver where to take me gave me 2 bags of bread to feed the fish and waved me of....By Jackie....thank you!

I turned to look at the river.....it looked a bit grissly to be honest but out on the river it was breezy and very refreshing and hell I had my own 40ft turbo charged condola for an hour so I had a smile on my face....I was dropped off at the Royal Barge Museum which was ok for £3..but nothing amazing...we then went up river and I fed the cat fish...the river is swarming with them and they completely surround the boat and jump out of the water when you start dropping bread in....I loved that.........we then went to where the floating market is..it wasn't offically open but a few women in their boats were laying in wait for the boats...and sure enough one jumped on us....after politely saying "no thanks" 2 thousand times..she got the gist and pissed off....on we went to Wat Arun...I said goodbye to my captain and investigated Wat Arun.....I climbed to the top whch was bloody step...the steps were enormous and it almost felt like I was going to fall backwards..which would have meant certain death....You get a great view from the top though...I came down and caught the ferry boat back over to Tha Tien and then caught a cab back to the hotel....

Having had a good swim in the fantastic pool here at the Conrad I am doing the blog, before heading out to grab some dinner- I am going back to the Bizarre on Wireless road again...because the grilled jumbo shrimp I had last night were spectacular....

A :)