The Sabbatical

...Well after departing from Patpong - and no - I'm never going there again I left for Hong Kong before heading off to the South of France.

I have to say I absolutey hated Patpong - it really was the arsehole of Thailand...and a very ugly arsehole at that...I felt huge relief when I stepped off the plane in Hong kong..into a limo and into Hotel LKF - what a fabulous hotel and what a wonderful upgrade they gave me...!

The only silly thing I did was to think I could walk up Old Peak road to see my friends...the road was so steep I had to walk backwards and looked as though I had had a bloody shower by the time I got to their apartment - I was soaked!

That evening, we dined in Zuma which is at the Landmark Hotel and is fantastic, before hitting the bars one last time....michelle and I rolled out of the last bar after singing our way through a few epic 80's classics..and safely in a cab and off back home to her hubby - I walked into my elevator and crashed and burned on my hotel bed.......

Meeting michelle for brunch the next day in Dragon-i seemed like a good idea as we were screaming our way through a whitney number on the dancefloor the night before but my head felt as though a tank had repeatedly rolled over it the next day - BUT although it was as stuggle getting up...lunch was great and just the tonic...we ate like kings...and that evening we washed our hangovers away with a departure drink for me in the Red bar...overlooking the harbour - A perfect way to end an exciting adventure.

I loved Hong Kong and would move there tomorrow....it was only as I was saying farewell to my friends there that I realised an amazing break from work was rapidly coming to an end...and that after rendevouzing with loved ones in the South of France I would be returning to the rat race...its odd really - part of me was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO get a job in a bar...live a little...don't go back."....and yet the other part of me was saying "Come on - time you used the old grey matter again...you are getting bored"....its that classic dilemma - you miss it when you don't have it and then when you have you don't want it....what wierd animals we are!.

After some wonderful evenings in Bar Sur Loup, and Valbonne I returned to London and am now gradually getting to grips with my new role at my company....I'm not sure what I expected but nothing has changed...I was getting quite sentimental about old blighty and in Hong Kong I remember saying..admittedly after a few drinks "There is no place like home"...yes it was a bit of a Dorothy moment....BUT having returned the sentimentality quickly evaporates when you crash back down to earth and open your eyes......

Thames Water are still taking a criminally long time..3 months...to repair each tiny section of the waterpipe replacement programme in our streets; the underground is still over-priced and shite and closes far too early thanks to Bob Crowe; there are still too many bendy buses on the roads and when you want a bus you wait for ages to find that a whole pointless convoy of them arrives at the same time; the black cabs are still a rip off, rude, and the drivers still ignore you if you want to go 5 miles out of the centre of London; pointless Speed Cameras are still screwing Drivers and causing accidents rather than preventing them; Gordon Brown remains incredibly ugly and creepy and continues on in lame duck mode, hanging on..not by the skin of his teeth..but by a single, stubborn pube; David Cameron is still a patronising; condesending insignificant little tosser....but that will never change; petrol prices still keep going up....along with everythingelse including the national debt; Tesco still rules the world..annoyingly...; Walthamstow still doesn't have a starbucks; Simon Cowell continues to wear grotty grey t-Shirts; 200million americans continue to tune into fox news who still think Bush is president; and the whole of the UK is glued once again to the 21st century bloodsport that is the X Factor and Strictly come dancing and that stupid thick weatherman on Sky who talks complete piffle STILL HAS NOT BEEN FIRED even after 100 years of talking bollocks........so after 3 months away its nice to know I have missed nothing...and that this small nation of ours is still as interesting and as annoying and as lovely as the day I left it..

Well I have been back at work now for two weeks and my time in Tokyo which was the start of my sabbatical literally feels like it was years ago...so more relaxed; chilled out and with life in a better perspective I am back at the coal face...trying to keep the blood pressure down.....I wonder how long that will last.

I have circumnavigated the globe; have met a few freaks along the way; caught up with some great friends and loved leaving the rat race - even if it was only for a while....Thank you for joining me.

ax

...

Still the rain pours...I've be so lucky with my month in Thailand...it is only really these last few days that I have been reminded that I decided to visit slap bang in the middle of the rainy season....I feel sorry for the tourists who arrived a few days ago and haven't seen the sun yet!

I arrived at La Flora yesterday afternoon. It is right on the beach front....I thought my room was close to the beach at the Marriott but La Flora takes the biscuit..I'm on my private patio now as a rain storm batters us on the coast, looking out over the pool with the blue crashing surf only 20ft away....so if there is another tsunami (god forbid) - then you will see me floating out into the Andaman sea on my mattress!

Although it is hot and humid, when it rains you are pretty much screwed if you have no money...I've done all the trips and so I just wanted to relax in the sun in Patong...but the young tourists who are cash strapped have nothing to do except drink...so bring some games with you in the rainy season!...oh but then I haven't got anyone to play with..shit!..

Anyways....last night I ventured out and in a short distance from my hotel I saw humanity in all its glorious vomit inducing forms...there was an international feel to Patong last night..for me an international world of pain...I'm not a snob..but why do all day booze joints; ping pong shows, titty bars; and streets lined with whores and pimps without fail, always attract a certain kind of person...? It's a mystery to me.

The million or so shanty town style bars were fulfilling their role in life by giving heavenly sanctuary to their adourning flock who were drinking copious amounts of the "amber nectar" kindly provided... for a price....bar after bar with vile Siren like hookers lining both sides of the walkway..smiling, pouncing, and insisting that the thirsty, aching, travellers buys their services...drawing them into their dark, dens....

"You wanna masage?"...
"no"
"nice boy....you wanna massage?.Wadda matter? I look affer yooooou... come wi me...."..(touches my arse)...
"er no and GET OFF (evil look..Alex knows the one) please".....
"you wanna suit?...nice suit...nice shirt..how much you pay for that shirt? where you from".....
"What?"....
"where you from?"
"What's that got to do with the price of a shirt"?..he reaches to shake my hand...I decline
"Lovely shirt..come ...how much you pay?"
"£120"..
"I do same shirt for £40"
"REAllY...I bought this in the South of France Sweedie..it's unique.. "(oh ohhhh I'm been drawn in..must escape!)
"Come..I show"
"No thank you...LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"Come in shop and see lovely material...very cheap"..
"NO!"

I walk off into the distance into another similar spiders web....it was like that everywhere..people sticking menus in your face...grabbing your arm...trying to pull you to one side.......I really don't like that aspect of this culture....

I walked past "The Orchid Guesthouse".....everything is "Orchid"....."Orchid Massage"..."Orchard Restuarant" ...."Orchard Sauna" ...."Orchid Whorehouse"...get the drift?....I also saw the "Yorkshire Hotel"..."The Austrian Restaurant"..."Ozzy owned"..and what I love is that the hotels and restaurants proudly display as prominently as their name, the ISO 90000 certification!!!! I love it...what is that all about? But.... the "Yorkshire hotel"?...God the mind boggles..

You can just imagine check-in.....

"Hey up there...now then...now then....how ya diddling?
"Welcome Mr Duddweee"
"Aayh now, now then, we have a room Buuked.. is it ready my love?
"It rareweee sir"
"What's that ting tong?"
"its rarewee sire...(and bows)
"Sorry love...we'll have none of that ear...Nooooooo...you doooon't need ta bow to us..love oooooh nooooooo...ecky thump.
(Receptionist is confused and frowns).
"Now..we've had a long bloody journey, me and the mrs ..were buggered.....not literally mind...hahaha we'll get on tathat later...you get me love? (wink wink)....so can we have a nice cup of PG oh and make sure that you've got a bit of HP for our breakfast tomorow....we don't like that chilli muck...."
(Receptionist stabs herself and dies)

They ARE here!

Eventually I ended up at the Paradise complex where there is a collection of bars. It reminded me of Gran Canaria..so yes, it wasn't exactly soho but there was a nice atmosphere despite the rain. What struck me immediately was that there was no loud music...but it was early...so I assumed that would change...and it did!

I went to "Connect" which is the first stop for everyone apparantly. It was quite amusing...if you can picture a little enclave...a wide road/path down the middle and then the bars line both sides..all have seating outside.

As I was sat outside the front of Connect we were sat facing everyone sat outside the other bars opposite and I thought it was funny because people who had recognised eachother from a prior debauched evening, simply sat and waved at eachother silently....they didn't get up and go and say "hello", they just gave this great big wave and smile as if they were on passing ferries, miles apart on an open ocean...rather than a 20 ft wide road...

As everyone gazed, and talked amongt themselves...my ears pricked up...the muggy night air was peppered with gentle waves of the Dallas theme music shortly followed by Dynasty mixed in with techno music from another bar which overall produced a painful audible mess but hysterical that they played Dallas - some of the bar boys were even jigging to it!

As for me, those 2 theme tunes bought back very very fond memories and some regrets because I played the lead soprano trumpet/cornet on both those tracks in an orchestra in my teens and loved it. It's funny how a memory can be jolted by something as anodyne as theme music. I used to rehearse 5 hours a day every day for 6 years and in six years passed Grade 7....university then beckoned, along with a career, and I was advised to drop music....I thought I could have the best of both worlds, but of course you can't. My studies wouldn't allow me to rehearse and neither would my flatmates or neighbours!..so music was over..and every now and then I get a huge pang of remorse when I hear silly theme tunes or watch an orchestra play the 1812 Overture...or I hear Haydens E Flat Trumpet Concerto (My Grade 7 piece)..a fantastic concerto....

Well back at Connect..I thought I would reward myself with a cocktail...so I ordered a long island iced tea...and it was dynamite; with my ample drink and lots of different people or circus acts to poke fun at in my mind.. I sat back...the old queen that ran the joint obviously took pity on me and briefed me on where to go that night...and when to go..that was very important!...He was a friendly, harmless chap a dark weathered face lit up with a sincere, gentle smile...he loaded my iced tea with a gallon of tequilla and that one drink almost polished me off...I've hardly drank while I've been in Phuket...

After about an hour the song "BOYS BOYS BOYS" whailed out from the bar opposite and about 20 go-go boys all in matching white knee high socks, trainers and underwear started prancing outside to the song..Oh God Bless them...there was safety in numbers, but it was still totally embarassing for them....although thinking about it...they looked as though they were enjoying it! I looked on in shock but was advised that this was a nightly tradition.JESUS!I say shock because if my staff looked like that they would not have been allowed out! I want customers to come in and spend money..not run away in a blind panic..screaming "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!"

It looked lively over at KISS so I said cheerio to the bar man and moved over there and started talking to some other tourists..a local joined us...along with twenty of his friends..."This it ANWEW airweeeone...he awone!"...that announcement was followed by a knowing grin...

SHIT!

I didn't need that advertised because I was suddenly very popular..or rather the wad of notes in my jeans were.....I didn't like it at all...you couldn't have a chilled regular relaxed conversation..it was BUSINESS....and if you were there, and you were European then you obviosuly only wanted one thing...right? Er WRONG!!! "YOU LIKE....if you LIKE we ave Private rooms upstair..."....OH GOD it really was awful.....I remained polite at all times and promised them all one thing...."LATER, LATER"......my only solace was the music which was great...

Then out of the blue....a little pigmy looking mexican came running out of Connet starkt bollock naked with Mr Dingaling squeezed and hidden between his thighs...so he looked like a women...if you get the drift...he jumped on a bar next to the walkway and started dancing in the pouring rain for everyone opposite.......I almost wet myself...he was really in his own little world...someone took pity on him and stuck a white paper napkin over his naval area..but that broker into a thousand pieces because of the rain and made him look like he'd got alapecha....but he just carried on dancing away.....with everyone cheering him on...although it was outraeous and I do not condone in any way that kind of behaviour...it was BLOODY FUNNY!....After all of that excitement I was tired....

So I meandered my way back to La Flora in the rain and thought fondly about my forthcomine trip to the South of France....the gorgeous crystal blue views of the mountains from Villa Aldaben; Alex, Sally & Terry, Lil and Ben.....I'm really looking forward to getting over there now....I've missed Terry's "Tables; and have actually dreamt about Sally's cooking!...that's a sign I think...it's almost time to return home....

Ax

More anon...

The weather has been mixed these past few days...the rain has woke me up in the middle of the night...but the heat doens't go away..yesterday I decided to hire another car and go north to phang nga bay which was a 2 hour drive over next to Krabbi Island...so I collected the car and headed north over the Sarasin Bridge...

It was going to be hit and miss because the car hire company culd only give me a map of Phuket island...very unhelpful....so I did my best and spent the first hour going in a complete circle...which cheered me up no end...eventually I found Highway 4 and I was on my way to Phang-nga bay...I then came upon some tourist coaches and thought as I often do in London when I see a black cab taking short cuts..."Oh I'll follow it!"...itusually works!...so I followed the coaches for about an hour and they headed for a small harbour from were I discovered they were catching boats to go to James Bond Island...HAH! A Result! I would much rather get a boat than drive for 2 hours.. so I drove into the car park...and within seconds a women on a moped..said "You wanna boat"...?? ..."Yes..I want to got to James Bond Island and back... how much..."$2,500Bhat"...I agreed to pay her $2,000bhat...and so had my own long boat..which I liked doing when I was in Bangkok....

So sure enough - five minutes later the boat arrived...I gave her the "readies" and off wes sped...I felt like Roger Moore in "Octopussy" when he drove one of those supped up Vienese Gondolas Q custom made for him...we sped of into the distance flying over the choppy water...th sun had come out and it is when you get out into the sea and look at all of the islands that you realise just how stunningly beautifiul this part of the world is...

It took about 40 minutes to reach James Bond Island off the Thai coast, and although it is beautiful...people have tried to capitalise on the link to the bond film and have placed a whole long line of crappy souvenir shops right on what would have been the beautiful beach.we all saw in the movie - "The Man with the Golden Gun"..well its RUINED!!! I was so pissed off I refused to get off the boat...oh and I would have had to pay 100 bhat to actually stand on the island....YEAH RIGHT! ...the most gorgeous archipeligo and they go and ruin it to make a fast buck - fuckwits!...but there is a lot of that going on around the islands..I think the locals are forgetting why people actually come here....once the pristine beaches are gone and the sea is full of shit...the tourists will disappear..

We did a few loops of the island on the boat and sped off to the floating market...again ..upon closer inspection it was full of opportuntic traders selling TUT - NO THANKS....I told the driver to return to port..I'd had enough.

We were about 3 miles from the harbour when the engine stopped.....there was a real breeze blowing now and it wasn't long before the current had got us and was sending us sideways.. I turned around and saw the driver playing around with the engine..."OHHH SHIT"...that's all I need....I gave the crazy cow on the harbour 2,000 baht and they are too tight to put enough gasoline in the engine!!

As we started to flow away out with the tide..backwards...the driver got on his mobile and started talking..I could see we were geting near a collection of mangrove trees and I reckoned if we slammed into them we could grab the roots and hold on because we were really moving now..the tidal currents were strong... Well luckily the tide did slam us into the trees..a little too hard for my liking and we didn't get a grip but then we crunched into them again and it was make or break this time so I lunged for them and got a grip....at least now we were not going to go any further....

The driver was very apologetic..but now that I had got an anchor I wasn't bothered...I just didn't fancy floating out to sea....about 20 minute later the cavelry arrived..and I jumped into the reeif boat that sped me back to the jetty....PHEW!!Terra Firma!

I then took a lazy drive back to the hotel..and along the way stopped off at a Temple...in Phang-nga..and I was Elephant Mountain...here are huge limestone caves in the mountain but because it was around 4pm I didn't go in...I can go there the next time I come to Phuket....so I left and made it back to the hotel just before the heavens opened again - perfect timing...for what as a very wet night!

Well at Mai Kao beach and he marriot..tomorrow I go to La Flora and Patong...GOD HELP ME!

Yesterday was wet....and when I mean wet, I mean the rain was torrenting down..it woke me up early in the morning...and I had not sleeped well either because I kept waking myself up by dreaming about sharks getting me in the Kayak... I have quite a phobia about the sea..and have only ever swam in it twice..Ipanema beach in Rio and Antibes in Southern France.....and both times I was shielded from Jaws by a bank of people who were further out than me and they would have been shark bait first....so I had good survival odds in both cases. Out at sea in a kayak however, I felt my odds were dwindling..and if a shark lunged for my boat well... I was done for.....so I had managed to work myself into such a mess I had to go on-line and do some last minute research.....

My google search was succinct...."killer sharks..andaman sea...phuket..."....Thankfully it came up with Leopard sharks = harmless; reef sharks = harmless and Whale sharks = harmless...so Jaws was off on holiday somewherelse which relaxed me somewhat knowing that if I do see a shark..then .A. It will be small and B. It won't be interested in me...good!

Th rain was relentless..at one point I thought I had left the A/C on in the room, but it was in fact the rain and I was Sea Kayaking???? I called reception to see if it was still on....and they confirmed that it was only spitting in Hong...so yes it was al still on... I was collected at 12 noon by a Mini-bus and inside were two very plesant mexicans living in Madrid...thankfully their Engish was excellent and we had a jolly chin wag all the way to Ao Por Pier where we were meeting up with the rest of the 25 strong party and our escort boat...

Unfortunately the rain followed us all the way and by the time we had got to Ao Por Pier..we were all laughing that nervous laugh....along the lines of I can't believe we are actually going out in this weather...because it was really quite bad and the water was choppy!

There were 3 very unhappy looking californian girlies who were distinctly concerned about their hair and wheather it would go frizzy....an Australian tourist whose wife looked like that decapitated Pig I saw the other day...and whose name escapes me for now...but let's call him Croc Dundee....well Croc spurted out in a fantastically broad Australian accent..."Jeeez girrrls...take a look out there...your hair is the least of your worries....you're gonna get soaked"....he clearly thought they were stereotypes...as did I....they thought he was...as did I, and it was all quite amusing because on these trips you are thrown together with complete strangers from all corners of the Earth and everyone spends the first hour weighing everyone else up....draining them for personal tit bits to assist them with their prompt, judgemental evaluations...

Well we all boarded what looked like the boat they used to find Moby Dick and hid below deck away from the down pour and had lunch as the boat departed the pier...The crew on board were excellent...led by Oli - whose english was very good and he and his colleagues had a brilliant sense of houmour...I srongly recommend this tour. Although they do need to invest in microphones...the rain, wind and the engine made it impossible to hear their orientation presentation....and the bogs were revolting...the girlies refused to use them...and held it all day..bless them....they kindly gave me a regular update on that hot issue......

I had gone in swimming shorts, and a tea-shirt and realised that I would be spending the day out at sea with just my swim shorts on...it wasn't that warm either...the rain had bought with it quite a wind...and out at sea it is cooler anyway..so I was going to grin and bare it...I was paired up with Kylie one of the californian girls and as the boat set sail for the first of our destinations - Hong Island, the banter flowed...along with the rain!....

The boat took just over an hour to reach our drop off zone...we were given dry bags for our cameras; a guide (who I was to discover would be doing the paddling)...and a boat to jump into...unfortunately the moment we sat down we were sat in cold water...yuk..within seconds we were soaked with rain and sea spray...but I was strangely enjoying myself.... Kylie had a real sense of humour too as did her friends...which made the day really jolly..not forgetting our paddler of course..and his broken english...I nicknamed him Einstein....he quite liked that...but he had missed the irony of the nickname completely...sweet.

Once we were in the kayaks we headed for the sea caves...we had to time it right with the tides because you only have a window of 20 minutes to get in and out before the tide changes. We entered the caves with our backs on the floor of the kayaks..avoiding decapitation and slowly crawled through them in our boats...they were hot and muggy inside..and some of the caverns were enormous.....with the jagged rock and crystal ceilings lines with thousands of insect eating bats...sleeping..for now!...their cousins the fuit bats were also hiding, but in the trees outside way above their cousins in the green canopy...but they were all waiting for sunset...

As we went further in, you could see light at the end of the tunnel, (pardon the pun!)and you then came out into a sealed lagoon..the only way in and out was the cave we just came through.......it was a wonderful oasis filled with Mangrove trees, palms, crabs, mudskippers; and higher up wild monkeys...we wonderd about in our kayaks for a few minutes and then headed off for another cave and another lagoon....this cave was lined with quartz....and many many more bats..it was a massive room hiding within the stony belly of a small rocky lava mountain rising from the sea...and again as we came out we entered a similar but much larger lagoon..we all tried taking photos but the rain was hard and the light in the lagoon was weird...

We all then got back on board the escort ship and moved to another island....Phanak Island where we had some "down time"...we were allowed to swim and go off in the kayaks on our own...so with the ship anchored I went off to explore in a kayak of my own..I loved it...most of us went into another lagoon for a good look around....but the swimmers soon got out of the water because the currents were really strong....then we had the thick chinese family...who apart from been completely and utterly self absorbed and anti social...decided on doing something a little different...The nutty father couldn't swim so he didn't do anything all day...he just stayed on the escort ship...meanwhile the crackpot mother takes their 4 year old child in a kayak and heads off for the shipping lane!!!....as I come back from the lagoon after about 30 miniutes I could see two tiny red dots on the horizon..that was their life jackets and shouted out "Excuse me but are they with us...where the hell are they going?"....then I noticed that "dad" had been watching them and said nothing???.....I myself was knackered and she was easily 2 kilometeres away from the boat....so I reckoned that if I was tired she must be REALLY tired...and she was battling a strong current way out there...I and another tourist said someone needs to go and get them...the prick of a father kept saying "day ok...day ok"...and apparently upset with us for paying more attention to the welfare of his family then he had...I felt like throwing him overboard and giving him a quick swimming lesson...the hard way...clearly his wife was not ok...and then they were gone! ..oh and pardon me "Dad"...but what the hell does he know about currents when he can't even fucking swim"!????....The crew god bless them didn't need asking twice...they headed off at the speed of light and brought her back safely 40 minutes later...and, sure enough, she had got caught in the current and was been dragged out to sea...stupid cow...and with a child on board with her too...the rest of us couldn't believe how stupid she was....my blood was actually boiling the more I thought about it....she had been utterly irresponsible with her child.....

Well with the drama over we were starting to lose light...and so prepared for the Loi Kratong cremony..where each of us made an offering to the sea godess..we made it out of a small round chunk of banana tree trunk, bananna leaves (oregami style)..topped off with a light sprinkling of marigolds (for prosperity) and orchids etc..we then used three incense sticks and candles and set out again on the pitch black open sea in our kayaks...I couldn't see a thing..and had to use a torch!...but at least the rain had stopped..

We headed off to nestle against a tiny island for shelter so we could light our offerings, make a wish and set them adrift for a short while before collecting them and returing to the boat...it was really tranquil and calming...bobbing about on the sea with the blackness of the night interrupted by the bright decorations we had set adrift...lighitn gup the brght yellow of our kayaks...The plankton was becoming flourescent too in the water around us.....that was really cool...I had never been out on a boat at sea in pitch black before....

With the candles burnt out we returned to the baot and headed back to shore...it took an hour so we played some fun games...the time flew..upon arival we said our goodbyes and returned to our hotels....a fantastic day which was about to be completely spoiled!

The 500 Indian Contingency by the time I got back to the hotel we in full flow..it was 11pm and I thought they would be closing things up soon...particularly as the "hall" was ten feet away from my room.....WRONG!!!!......... the walls were vibrating the bass was so loud...with a twat screaming out on a microphone in Hindi every few minutes....it didn't bother me at first...I can live with a bit of noise.... it is a wedding after all...but then it was midnight....and it had got louder....then it was 1am and I was starting lose my sense of humour....2AM....more micorphone antics...gobby guests returning pissed to their rooms and slamming doors....I SNAPPED....I jumped out of bed and grabbed the phone...

"Hewwwo Mr Sewawarse"

"Hello - Please can you tell me when the music will stop..it is now 2am on Sunday...no sorry now Monday morning?!"

"Musiic??"

"Yes the music!!... that noise that is making my walls vibrate!!.....sorry where are you?..Can't you hear it?"

"ha...I am in an ofice"

"Oh lucky you....well I am about 20 feet away from a speaker working over time...this is a five star hotel..it is Sunday evening....and I DO NOT EXPECT TO BE KEPT AWAKE UNTIL 2 AM...It is total disrespectful to the rest of your guests and I cannot believe you are allowing it".

"OH shall I get the manager to call you tomorow...?"

"Yes that would be a good idea...but what about now?...When is it going to stop?

"3AM Mr Seeeeewarse".

"What???? 3AM....this is a hotel resort not a frigging night club? When am I supposed to sleep for gods sake? I'm bored with talking about it..you have my comments I will deal with this tomorow..."

WELL.....2.30am came, 3am went, 4am, 5am, 6am..and the banging did not stop...nor did the door slamming, shouting, or the twat on the micropphone...the final straw was at 6.20am when he screamed out "Good morning" Like Robin Williams on "Good Morningg Vietnam"...to the revellers....

It was at this stage that I could have broke someone's neck....I screamed out some awful profanity..and looking like Medussa I slammed my way out of my hotel room giving my door the biggest slam, because those fuckers next door and al the way down my corridor had been a pain all night....and I'll be damned if they were just going to drift off to beddy byes....I then went almost arse over tit because it had been raining and I had my hotel slippers on with no tread...maybe that was judgment for the door slamming..but I didn' care......having righted myelf I made a B line for the reception desk....

My face was like thunder..and unfortunately for the person I picked..she was the one that had told me it as finishing at 3am...LIAR!!!! It was now 6.30am and it had not let up....

She was stuttering like some demented twit...because their position was simply indefensible......and so I just went for it..I won't repeat what I said because although I was steaming with anger I was repeating myself....suffice to say I demanded to see the hotel manager..but he did't start til 9am!!!!!!...

"Oh...I'm sorry...is he tucked up in bed fast asleep is he?..Well lucky him!! I'm glad someone got some sleep last night!.... He can find me at some point today....because I am going to have an interesting chat with him...what happened last night was totally unacceptable". I stormed off...slammed my door again....so it cracked like thunder and 15 minutes later the terd with the microphone turned everything off....what a nightmare!!

The upshot of my outrage was a voicemail from wait for it....not the hotel manager...but the "Director of Beverages"....so they sent me the guy that orders the tonic water to calm me down?..And he dind't even speak to me..he left me a VM...In the delighful message he offered not to charge me for the room yesterday and to buy me dinner....I have assumed that he is not going to sit with me over dinner...because if he is, he isn't going to enjoy himself....but not charging me for last night was a sensible move!...

I was so excited this morning....I was going to be learning to cook thai with the executive Chef of the Thai restaurant on the Resort....

Seven of us met in the reception and Tan the Executive Chef of the Ginja Restauant led us out to a mini bus where we headed north back over to the mainland to the nearest market...

What I loved is that Tan (whose English was pretty good) explained a million things as we drove about Thai Culture and when we got to the market it was fabulous having an expert guide you through everything. We stopped at various stalls and Tan explained what all the weird and wonderful vegetables were, and how you would use them at home and how we would use them today.

I recognized a few of them from Waitrose but until now, I never had a clue what they were used for..Tan then took us to the fishmonger. This part of the market stunk.. ..not the fresh fish of course but the dried stuff they use for cooking....oh god it turned the stomach along with the flies...My body just wouold not alow me to breath through the nose... I wanted to wretch....so I was breathing through the mouth and staying very quiet!

Then it was time to visit the various Butchers!...The Marriott (THANK SWEET JESUS!) gets all of its meat flown in and never uses local markets because of hygience issues and having seen it all up close I totally endorse that policy...God it was frigging awful with meat slapped out on wooden blocks...and the flies all having a street party on it all....yuk!

Nothing looked disinfected or clean...and no-one was doing anything about the god damn flies!....there were no flourescent rings zapping them like you see on the walls in all butchers and fishmongers in the UK...ohh no!

I saw guts/intestines slapped on a wooden desk, next to which sat piles of pork along with other meats...ohh and hanging up before us was.......A PIGS HEAD!....the skull and brain was gone.. it was really a fresh pig mask...mm nice...I was asked if I wanted my photo with it and politely declined! ...I have attached a photo for you to look at...Now I have no idea what anyone would want with a pigs head but maybe they should just put lipstick on it and call it Sarah!

We meandered over to the other side of the market to get some fresh coconut milk for our meals and we saw it freshly made..the coconut husk goes into a shredder...the flesh is then put in another machine and it squeezes the cream out of the flesh..with the liquid falling into a bucket below and the dry flesh coming out the other end...and fed to chickens...brilliant..no waste! If you want milk rather than creme you just add water.

So we had got all of our veg and went back for breakfast..It was at this point that finally the 4 mile deep Ice sheet began to break in the group...

We had 3 Americans...a married couple from New York...and a young graduate from New Jersey...she was lovely...then there was me; a DULL couple from Toronto (in their 30's, going on 100..yawn) and finally an indian chap...Now he was interesting....in his late forties..his family had struck oil in Nigeria in the 50's...he explained that his family were throwing a wedding on the resort over the next week, which explained the number of indians on the resort...he explained that 500 ...yes 500 people would be arriving...and he and his family were paying for it all!!!christ!.....oh and the blue pool area (see the photos)is now closed to us.. HUH?.... QUE?......WHAT?..forget the money thing...did I hear him right?...my favourite pool area was now closed to us!!?? It was as the other guests kindly confirmed..this news that I couldn't hide my immediate and short-lived annoyance....what a Fucker!...and the wedding is going on for 4 frigging days!!! I touched his arm and as sincere as I could be at this horrifying news said "Don't worry Pe dee, we'll just have to go and spend the 4 days relaxing at the other pool with ALL OF THE CHILDEN!"......he smiled back just as sincerely..as did I...He did't give a shit....

It was funny talking to people about the resort too, most concluded that it was very expensive...£4 for a coffee from the coffee bar is a piss take and not many realised (like me) how far away from any action the resort is..and how shit the hotel transport is....no-one would come back...not because the hotel is crap..it really isn't..it's just that it is in a remote northern part of the island and literally 1 mile from the border to the mainland....

If you dribble, and are on life support you may not have a problem with any of this but anyone that has a pulse which is not induced through mechanical assistance will get bored within 36 hours...I feel terrible saying this because the views are jaw droppingly gorgeous and the beach is amazing and clean and when I am back in London working, with the wet winter weather waiting to check-in I will jump out of the 9th floor for saying all of this.....but unless you like been sat on your arse all day sunbathing (I can't do that for more than an hour or two).. then you will get bored....I get fidgety after an hour...and have to do something...like ATV Treks!....I think I actually drummed up some support for the ATV trek...I should get a comission!

Well with breakfast over..and the ice finally broken we walked through the gardens to the Cooking school. It is a beautiful traditional Thai wooden building with several work stations inside where we can prep the food..and in the middle of the room there is a large dining table where we sit and eat our food...I loved it...and could picture an amazing coroprate event in my minds eye....Cocktails out on the terrace looking out to the turquiose Andeman sea before cooking an amazing meal with your clients/work colleagues...ahh....it would be quite nice flying out to Phuket for a cooking session!.....quite a treat....but let's face it, that ain't gonna happen ....So back to reality..

Tan..the "Master" made all the dishes effortlessly...and then it was our turn. Firstly we made Thai Green Curry; then Pad Thai and finally Som Tum..which reminded me of a dear friend at home...Jordy is a big fan of Thailand and is also a great cook and he loves Thai food..especially Chilli's which he grows at home in Hackney every year!....so I thought I could take my new found skills back to the UK and throw a Thai dinner party...although he will have to have his own dish - because he loves Chilli..and requires ten times more of it than anyonelese.....personally I don't mind them but I prefer not to blow my head off.....

What surprised me is actually how easy it all really is...as with most things in life, if you prepare well then the actual task in hand becomes a lot easier.

So the curry! - We put in the oil in the wok with the curry paste..added the chicken..then chicken stock..and coconut milk..We then threw in the egg plants.. and then added the fish sauce, and palm sugar before finally adding the Kaffir lime leves, Thai sweet basil and Chili....curry done!...Gorgeous!

We then did Pad Thai and Som Tom....I won't bore you with the process...but I loved it....it was a lot of fun and informative ...I am sat now trying to work out where the hell I can get some of these ingredients in London...Jordy will know!

After we had finished eating we were given our Ginja certificates ; cook book and Aprons to remind us of the day.....itwas well worth the £100 to do the day! I can't wait to get in the kitchen now and do some more!

A Fab day!

A

Today did not get off to a good start. I thought it was Friday when in fact it was Thursday...all will become clear!

I had set my alarm for 6.45am.....as the beeps bounced off the walls like schrapnel piercing my ear drums I shot out of bed and into the shower...I was cooking today!

I put on something pretty smart..after all it was going to be a civilised day today...I grabbed my camera...got a coffee to take away from the Deli and went and sat in the lobby. We were going to be collected at 8am and visit a local market to buy our ingrediants before returning to the cooking school which is on our resort overlooking the beach...

Anyway the clock ticked away and the concierge came upto me...."Mr Sewarrrrae you not cooking until tomorrow??"...."What" I replied...."It is "Thursday today not Friday"...."Oh BUGGER" I said...."my mistake...ha!".....I made a quick retreat back to my room to re-group...what a twat!...Well on the good side I have another day..but I hadn't made any plans today and the weather looked distinctly dodgey...so I decided to hire a car just for the day. The hotel will do it all for you as they are an agent of SIXT car hire. They charged me $1800 baht for the day which is £32 per day ..so it was good really considering that they would charge me $1,500 baht for a return trip to Phuket, where they drop you off and collect you at a fixed time. I thought fuck it, I'll get my own car and go wherever I want, when I want...and will not be ruled by a shitty hotel timetable that suits them by the way and not the customer!

I was given a new Cheverolet..that's code for a hair dryer....the window wipers on my car at home are more powerful than the engine this thing had...but at least it got me out of the resort....and it was an automatic...before I set off I tried twiddling with the radio and eventually found Blue Wave Radio on 90.5 fm. What a fantastic radio station..it's English and although their style in music is overall pretty dated if not dubious, you do get the BBC news update every hour and an English disc jockey which made me feel strangely at home!

So where shall I go? As I started to study the map Dame Shirley Bassey started singing "Something"...God I hadn't heard that since I was a kid...and it is a fantastic track..I had also forgotten how good her bloody voice is too... fantastic!...Having turned her up to the bemusement of the security guard, I decided to head for the National Park - Khao Phra Thaeo and see the waterfall there..the Ton-Sai Waterfall..so me, the chevvy and Dame Shirl headed out, all singing "Something"...even though it was 400 degress outside I wound down the windows and sang it to the neighbourhood as I flew past...he-he naughty!

I headed South on Highway 402...I reckoned it was about 20 miles...I drove into Thalang and then took the turn for the Waterfall...the roads are a million times better than in England...wide roads, and smooth, pothole hole free tarmac...but best of all NO SPEED CAMERAS OR POLICE ABOUT!!! YES!! Jeremy Clarkson should film Top Gear here..he would love it! I confess to putting the family four door chevvy to the test today...despite having my foot to the metal for an hour, it took about 10 minutes to reach 120 kph...a robin reliant would have done it in half the time! How dull!

Just before I arrived at the park, I found a large rubber plantation...and stopped to take a photo. It looked perfectly uniformed with all of the trees in perfect lines with the tubs collecting the lactose also in perfect symmetry.

I was wondering where the tin mines were because that is how Phuket used to make its money before the tourists arrived....but maybe they are all closed now... Anyway I was charged $200 baht to get into the park and once I had parked up, I headed off into the rainforest...

I love treks into the wilderness but I do like to be able to work out the actual path I'm supposed to be walking on!...You couldn't here!...and it's not nice when you are on your own... I did my best but only managed 1km of the 2km route...it was treacherous...you could hardly work out the path and were constantly clambering over butress tree roots and all of the stones and rocks beneath your feet were slimey and wet....perfect for breaking your ankle or neck on....I also thought I saw a scorpian and jumped a bloody mile, only to realise that it was actually a crab....a bright red crab..that live in the shallows of the waterfall...they only come out at night apparantly so I was lucky to see it.... It was tiny with an oversized claw and was not at all happy to see me...I quickly looked around for his mates but he was alone...except that is for the million or so termites that I could see everywhere...I then started imagining breaking my leg or being stung by an actual scorpion..what would I do?...

Don't panic I have my AIG policy!!..but what if I was stuck there for days? I then realised that the phone I had charged last night and bought with me for emergency purposed was in the bloody car along with my rucksack, 2 bottles of water and cinnanon swirl! I just had me bloody camera...a huge amount of use in a survival scenario....!

I found the "waterfall"...it was... mmm.... disapointing....I didn't expect Niagra, or Angel Falls..but I did expect something maybe a couple of hundred feet..there are sewers in London that have a larger drop than this waterfall.... not what I had expected but at least the forest was fantastic...it was also a sanctuary for the Gibbons....I enjoyed the forest but I wouldn't have paid the £4 to get in had I known the situation regarding the state of the trail...which is a shame because I could imagine a crowd of people wearing timberlands..i.e properly kitted out, would really enjoy it.....Well by the time I had scared myself to death and realised that this is the sort of thing that I should do with Alex around....I found the carpark and sped off out of there....

Next on the list was Old Phuket town....it didn't take me long to get there in my naf little chevvy...but God....it's a bit "Yokel Local".. ...I parked up and found the fruit market which was nice...lot's of flies but nice..and well..that was about it...so I went to "Puff & Pie" and purchased a sausage Croisannt....and mightily impressed I was too...!...in fact they had some very nice looking pastries and savouries there..so I recommend that little place..

After that I headed off to the Butterfly farm....it is a place for research and was really interesting...I think I saw ten tarantulas including the massive King Baboon Tarantula...it was definately worth paying $300 baht just for that!..It was all about educating you about the butterflies and the growth process from lavae, to caterpillars etc...you learn about silk worms and silk manufacture ...and you can interact with the butterflies by going into the "Nursery" and feeding them bananas.

As I was working out how to get out without taking a million butterflies with me... a downpour commenced...and a sweet little girl escorted me to the car...Once in, I stupidly set off underestimating the rain because within minutes the roads were flooded and I mean flooded, and I had a Chevvy....Shit...I prayed the engine didn't get wet along with the spark plugs...I did not want to break down there! Well it got so hard that I had to pull over - the windscreen looked as though it had milk all over it....I took some photos as it eased up and will post them shortly.....it was all a bit scary actually...and I was regularly reminded by sign posts that I was in a tsunami dange zone...great!

Once the rain had eased off I searched for Si-Ray Island..I was missing my sat nav because I got horrrendously lost and kept going around in annoying circles...eventually I found the bridge onto Si Ray Island..and take a tip...don't go...it's the arse end of the island...on the one hand you had sheds with tin roofs and just 200 yards down the road stood an oppulent mansion..I couldn't work it out..it even had a security tower in the grounds?....baffling....so weird in fact I took a phot of the tin houses and the mansion. Anway enough said about that....I didn't like it!

I hot-tailed it out of there and decided to drive across the island and drive up the west coast. I headed across on highway 4020 - I arrived in Patong..and Well.....I've arrived in Blackpool! It's all here no doubt....tatoo central; tantrums and tiara's, tits and tarts...the works..and lots of ping pongs too....I drove straight through..but luckily spotted La Flora which is right on the beach and looks fab...and it looks like a mini fortress with its private beachfront banishing the tatoo brigade to the public beach further down.. ha! I drove up through Kamala beach and Surin beach, bypassed Laguna and then back to the hotel...It was a nice "Pacific highway" style road...and strange that just over 2 weeks ago I was at Laguna Beach on the Pacific coast....

I had decided to go and see Fanta Sea this evening....the Thai theme park....check it out on the web it looks totally over the top...I passed it on the way back to the hotel...but just before I headed out I went on line to check our how much it costs - and guess what? It's closed every Thursday!!! Shit...! So I'm chilling tonight and looking forward to my day of thai cooking tomorrow.

Night night

A

What joy! I have some good news...two brilliant experiences in 2 days...

Yesterday, still aching from my Thai Massage I returned to the Spa for a "Mud Treatment"....I hadn't properly studied the treatment book when I booked the appointment....but it just sounded good...so on the day I discovered it was "a wrap"....I thought that was film production terminology but the receptionist explained that they were going to (and I'm paraphrasing!) - get me naked...slap mud all over me and wrap me up in plastic....sounded rather sensual I thought....so my attendent arrived smiling...they always are... and ushered me to the private room where I was told to put the dressing gown on and clang the gong when I was ready...once she left I thought....Mmmmm do I take my trunks off or leave them on?....so I chimed the gong and sent everything on the delicate little table flying with the stick...as she entered, pointing to my trunks, I asked.."off or on?"....the smiling lady wide eyed replied "Everyting (no h) off!"..."ok"...so I shut the door, whipped off my trunks, put on the dressing gown and I was ready....I hit the gong again feeling quite regal at this stage and she returned sitting me down so she could wash my feet..it all felt very biblical...like liddle baby Jesus washing the tootsies.

She then said "ok we go over to the table....you take off your gown"....with a startled expression I said "what now..just like that"?..."he-he no I show you, I hold up sheet"...."Ahhh ok"...so as I derobed, she held up a sheet so she couldn't see Mr Dingaling...and I lied flat, face down, on a sheet of uncomfortable plastic...she covered me in a cotton sheet and then removed it from half of my body...exposing my lilly white arse to the world....I thought mmmm ok this is novel and after what seemed like 5 minutes or rather an eternity,(I thought she may have been doing a sketch or watercolour of my backside)....she started massaging this cold mess down my legs and over my arse..then up my side and arms....she then covered me up and did the other side..I was then told to turn over...."ohhh hello".....so she held the sheet up and once I was on my back she covered me again and then scrunched the sheet up into my groin area so as not to expose Mr Dingaling...and then massaged this mud into me again...it was cold and I did not like the plastic sheet at all - I felt like an incontinent retard..anyway, she did the front in 4 stages... each leg....then upper torso both sides...each time taking care not to expose Mr Dingaling....Now I'm sure she had a look because I couldn't see a bloody thing - I was blindfolded....crafty cow.

I could imagine some dirty old git getting quite excited at the experience and having an embarassing moment as he is told to turn over...luckily for me...and her.. that wasn't going to happen!

After the mud was applied I was wrapped in the plastic and then covered in blankets and sweated while she gave me a wonderful head massege. After about 20 minutes I was told to shower and again although the glass in the shower cubicle was frosted it wasn't frosted enough for my liking. I was positive she could see in .....outrageous!.....so I gave her a little dance as I scraped all of the mud off me...which fankly took some time... I was then re-robed and told to lay down on my front because she had to put lotion all over my body....GOD I've never had a women massage my arse with lotions before, but I think she did a pretty good job!

Afterwards my skin felt like like a babys and she also gently massaged my arms and hands which I loved......so that was an experience that I thought was ok...but probably wouldn't repeat in a hurry.....

Then today I was blown away! I was off on a Quad Bike trek...Ozzy Osbourne eat your heart out. Hopefully I would avoid injury unlike poor Ozzy but I did think about the likelihood of injury as I sat in the lobby at 8am listening to 70's music in the background on the pan-pipes.....which is the curse of this Thai trip...I'm been stalked by Pan-pipes. The music however was muffled mercifully by the sound of water gushing out of a huge nearby water fountain at the front of the hotel along with the sound of the occassional car engine and reverse sirens beeping away, as cars pulled up to check people in whilst others departed. It was a nice gentile start to the day, which is more than could be said for last night.

The screeching cats were out in force whining like babies. I think they are in season but I still wanted to shoot them at 3am because the racket was awful. I actually tried to befriend one of them yesterday but it gave me the middle finger so screw them. If we have a repeat performance tonight I will give the little shits something to whine about. A large bucket of cold water thrown in their direction should shut them up.

Anyway today was Quad bike day and after the elephant "Trek" saga I was understandibly retiscent. With fingers crossed we drove down to the ATV camp. We arrived at the "camp" with all of the quad bikes lined up, and slowly but surely about 20 people arrived. We filled in the release forms and got kitted out with helmets and gloves.

Meanwhile mother nature was hard at work because the sky had gone black and the loudest thunder I had ever heard started clapping and crackling over head at regular intervals accompanied by its partner in crime...Lord Flash of Lightening. Some people were starting to get a bit squirmish which was understandable because it was really loud. But it didn't rain....well for at least 10 minutes and then the heavens opened.

We were told to "get going" but before that, we were given ponchos...so I had a lovely yellow one which I put on, hood up, over which I sat my helmet...how gorgeous!....Then off we went. The rain was asolutely hammering us and I thought it was madness leaving the safehaven of the shed...but it did look like fun....so in for a penny and in for a pound!

For the first 30 minutes we went on a circuit to get used to the bikes and we kept in single file....I thought oh god here we go again, another anti-climatic crap adventure BUT after the "warm up" the fun really began.

This was one of the best 2 hours of my sabbatical... picture a jurrasic style tropical rain forest, with its mass of ancient vegetation; the warm rain loudly carpet bombing and exploding through the living green ceiling high above our heads; the air around us, infused with a million fragrances from the abundant flora as we sweated and navigated our way along a narrow, wet, muddy dirt track....winding, turning, going up and down...speeding along and slamming down over mangrove tree roots, boulders, smashing through water filled mud pools, potholes..fords....thrown all over the place by the uneven terrain but always surrounded by nature's living perfection....it was brilliant.

It made the Range Rover test track look like a walk in the park!

Dirt and water flew everywhere and these things can move....most people know I like going fast and at times mine would not go any faster...I had floored the accelerator and flew, so much so, after about one hour of this sublime adventure I got cocky and in an open dirt area which bizarrely was relatively dry, I deliberately started doing a wheel spin at full pelt into a corner and as I turned the other way, the bike started to kind of aqua glide across the dirt sideways and it then turned over and flew me off......slightly embarassing... but I didn't give a shit even though I had slashed my arm...I couldn't turn it back up right on my own because these things weigh a ton...but a helper aided me...actually I was in a mess because I had taken off my poncho. As a result, I was soaked and covered headed to toe in brown mud....and now blood....hey-ho... the guy asked if I was ok and after I assured him I was ....I bombed away again....thinking.... OMFG I LOVE THIS!!!!!

As the route finished and we arrived back into the camp on a nearby hill we were all treated to the sight of two dogs shagging for Britain and as if that wasn't bad enough after we got off our bikes and took off our helmets, they very kindly came right down in front of us and carried on their "performance" with great big grins on their faces..going at it like rabbits..It was hysterical.

Now I regret getting rid of the poncho because although you sweat like a bitch in them...they do keep the mud off you....as the fabulous two hours sadly came to an end unlike everyonelse who kept their ponchos on, I looked like a black minstrel....I was covered in mud and crap and somehow had to get back to the hotel in a cab. After my arm was treated with pure alcohol...AAAARRRGHH and Iodine, luckily, the cab driver saw the funny side of it and agreed for me to sit in his cab on another poncho but as I got out of the car I was met by startled faces and was ushered to security no less!!!! "Er..I'm actually staying here folks...sorry about the mess!" I said meekly.."oh sorry sir...welcome back"...."I should bloody Coacoa gavnar!" . I left a trail of sand an crap behind me ....oops!

So if you come to phunket MAKE SURE YOU DO THE ATV TREK!!!!!!

A

Today was fabulously sunny and it was the day I had been waiting for, for well... months....an elephant trek in the jungle...I had even bought my heavy timberland boots and gone over my luggage allowance just for this day.....As the brochure described it..."Take an elephant trek through a rainforest...sight see from a 4X4 jeep, visit a rice farm, see how a rubber tree is tapped, watch a demo of thai cooking and catch the national sport of Thai boxing....WOW what a fun packed 5 hours or so....

So I went to the gym...and did my 4km on the treadmill, had breakfast and then read by the pool watching my clock...I had to be in reception at 1.30pm...so at 12.45 I had a quick shower and went and sat in the grand lobby area...alone...surely others must be doing the trip?

Er no apparantly not...at 1.40pm a Thai guy arrived and placed a slip of white crumppled paper under my nose and asked "Mr Sewwwwarse?"....I looked at the paper, saw my name and nodded. So I rose and followed the chap to a mini-bus....odd I thought ...I was the only person in it....the driver smiled and said "you are a long way away".....I thought he was pissed off at me for sitting in the back....but as we drove....and drove.....and drove.... and drove, I realised he meant my hotel was miles away from civilisation...and of course he was right...it took us an hour at break neck speed and no seatbelts to reach "Island Safaris"

As we approached I looked up at the dense, tree covered lush hills and chuckled with pure excitement.

As we turned the corner we arrived in a huge yard with 4 tourist coaches parked in it.....ahaahhh...so this is where everyone was hiding...anyway as I waited for the rest of my group to arrive.....we were all put into groups...as I waited I did a quick recce...and the penny dropped....OOOH SHIT...

It was like a bloody petting farm or educational centre....I had imagined we would be going to visit an actual rice farm...and an actual rubber plantation and a Thai Boxing training centre...and actually go into the rainforest......Who was I kidding?.....I could see the rice farm, the elephant trek, the rubber plantation, the elephant show, and the measly boxing ring in what was essentially a square piece of land...a plot.......on a farm...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH NO!

Talk about an outrageous misrepresentation of the epic kind...and when I mean epic..it's on the kind of scale of when Moses parted the frigging waves with a stick...or when I was told with a startled, distraught look on my face that Father Christmas didn't exist...

We had in fact arived at what amounted to an elephant farm..... and a very, very, fucking fly infested smelly farm at that....and although it was fun riding an elephant in a circle, I had to share it with a stranger. The nearest we got to the rainforest was walking in what looked like a storm drain and at that point, I could have reached out and touched a leaf of a tree. The storm drain by the way must have been the ("lush, fast flowing river"...)....I fed the greedy bastard elephant a bag full of bananas and tried to make polite conversation with my new American friend, but let's face it, I was so pissed off, had a face like a slapped arse and wasn't exactly in the mood to do much small talk or the river dance.

After the epic circular journey of ohhh 30 minutes..we saw an elephant show....3 pathetic elephants did tricks....after that jaw droppingly dull parade...we moved to the "Rubber pantation"...yeweeah right..it was a dodgey looking tree that just happeend to be on the farm with a few cuts in the bark....a thai kid then demonstrated the skill it took to cut the bark (er none)...and then explained that, that is how rubber was harvested...in pots....DOH....Oh WEAAAALLY? WOW....mind blowing I thought......after that...and just when my mind was about to explode we trekked all the way to the "rice farm"....which was about ohhh 4 steps away from the decrepid old rubber tree...and yes we had 4 pools with rice growing in them....."incedible" I hear you say....my sentiments exactly, and it was fucking scorching.....I was sweating like a pig and was not a happy chappy......

We then saw the funniest part of the day.....the monkey show... which actually cheered me up - especially my new girl friend - see the photo in the media section...after that, we climbed into 90 year old land rovers....ohh and this was the "4X4 trek".....which was basically a quick ride (we saw nothing), to a stinking jetty..sat alongside a putrid river...where we were stuffed like sardines with other parties onto this long boat...I was dangling literally off the front of it..with Mr America...We got 200 yards up the river and then we were told to get into the Kayaks which we had towed and to row back to the jetty....SORRY...WHAT?.....WHAT THE FUCK???....now when I say the river stunk, I'm not been dramatic...it was vile....it was a dark brown murkey colour....with no current and stunk like a dirty toilet...It had to be bad when because the fish were standing out of the water..trying to hitch a lift...holding up destination placades...one said "Kansas"..I thought shit...you don't want to go their TOTO!..

I had by this time lost my sense of humour and threatened to capsize the boat of the most annoying Japanese family on the planet who formed the other part of our "team"...there was no team work though or feelings of comradeship. In fact they didn't say a word to either myself or Bill Clinton. They were also stupid too because like me, they bought a whole bag of bananas but then forgot to give them to the elephants...DOH!...even though my elephant was tapping the guy on the back as a gentle reminder..and was basically saying "Give me a frigging bananna you stupd twat!"

...Well we travelled back to "camp" and were treated to a demonstration of Thai boxing.,...which was bollocks. Two guys in a naff little "ring" in lets say Sector 4 of the "Square"...pretended to box....it was a load of patronising shite. We do actually get thai boxing on cable in the western world you know!!! I was by this time dilirious and was giggling and shaking my head because if I didn't it would "just get nasty Linda"...

As if that wasn't enough we then marched to Sector 7 to meet a grumpy cow who taught us how to "cook" mango salad????....Cook a Salad?...What?...I think this farm was for retarded tourists who may have thought they were visiting Africa or France.....Mango, bean sprouts, lime juice, garlic and smashed together in a bowl.....God that was complicated and I'm just simply overwhelmed with relief that I took my 15 pages of copious notes to remember that recipe!

After that, we sat and ate dinner which was a bundle of joy. We had the mute japs on one side and myself and Mr America on the other side, who, to fill in the long dull silences, struck up a conversation about healthcare in the USA..."BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!!!!!"....well Scotty heard me and it was suddenly time to go....

Overall a pretty depressing disappointment....and I have realised that my hotel athough undeniably beautiful..is miles away from life on the island.....Phuket is larger than I had thought.....if I want to go for a drink into town it is an 80km round trip.....quite a way to go for a beer and there is no taxi service on the island..just a bunch of rip of merchants apparently....I was going to go even further north for my last 3 days and stay at the Royal Yacht Club...which I have now canned...I have booked into the gorgeous la Flora in Patong for the last 3 days...its pricier than the Marriott but at least it is near a pulse!.....ok back to mediating now.....

A

Yes you've guessed it, I had had enough of Bangkok....for me it really was too reminiscent of Mumbai or Bangalore which reminded me of work and I didn't need reminding of that....I'm already depressed knowing that I only have 3 weeks left of my sabbatical....I would have loved it had I just gone for 3 days...but 8 days was OVERLOAD...take my advice don't do it! 2-3 days in Bangkok is more than enough....

After choking on my own vomit at checkout at the price of internet connection...yes seven nights did cost me £135!!!!..as politely as I could without spiting too much acid everywhere, I made my way to the cab rank...

I couldn't wait to get to Phuket...I needed some fresh air for godsake rather than reading about alert warnings in the paper reminding me that the air I was breathing at certain points in the day actually was hazardous.....I honestly feel like a smoker again the air is that shitty here.....

I had my bags packed on Saturday afternoon even though I was not flying until Sunday morning...and so this morning after a good nights sleep I headed off to the airport...speedy Gonzalez collected me at the cab rank to take me to the airport in his bright yellow pimped up Toyota...complete with a spoiler on the boot lid the size of an A380 wing

....After I had climbed in, he drove off with his exhaust muffler screaming down the alley playing with his little formula one style steering wheel as he went...I had to laugh because for all the pimping I sat in the back of his tacky pimp mobile and thought "Sweetheart it still only has an engine that provides marginally more thrust than an Antony Worrell Thompson food blender...and shit his car sounded like one...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee clunck weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee came the shrill from the engine...hardly VA VA VOOOOOOOOOOOM I thought..anyway after I had said cheerio to Nigel Mansell...I checked in and went over to the Bangkok Airways lounge with all the other nomads and sat down to read for an hour...

I had neglected my Bill Bryson book....which I unbelievably started reading on a train on my way to Nikko in Japan several weeks earlier...so I started reading....and as I started to giggle out loud to some of his antics....particualry the hotelier in Weston...who got both barrels when Bill had got caught in the rain, soaked by a passing car (who deliberately soaked him) and then he could not get back into his B&B style hotel at 9 pm...he was locked out...so he let the hotelier have it....anyway as I was imagining his plight with selfish glee, something interrupted my day dream..

...what was it?....what is that???.....it took me a few minutes to work it out...but yes it was an awful arrangement of Carol Kings epic song "You've got a friend" .....played by a single, dying Spanish Guitar.....supermarket music in other words...what have they done?...Leave perfection alone you twats I thought....but no sooner had that finished then we had Greensleeves no less on the fucking pan-pipes!!!!!!......oh god...my concentration was broken forever ..what next Kenny G?....Luckily they called the flight and I left Pan-pipe hell and legged it to the Gate..stuffing Bill back in my bag as I went...and one short uneventful flight later I arrive in Phuket...

I had arranged for the hotel to collect me....which they did in a Merc except this time I was given the coldest Flannel EVER to wipe my face with...it was so cold it alomst stuck to my face and gave me frost-bite...lovely...just what I neeed becasue it was bloody hot....fifteen short minutes later we were pullling up at the J W Marriot Phucket Resort...

First impressions were excellent....the lobby, the check in procedure....the sea which I could see from the check in desk...BUT something wasn't quite right....there is no doubt it gets it's 5 stars with merit...but I don't know maybe I'm being a bit fussy but....... WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FRIGGING CHILDREN HERE!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SHIT SHIT SHIT! Way to many kids.....JESUS....NOT WHAT I NEEEDED!! Don't get me wrong..I love kids ..just not at a five star resort which I have paid for......we have Butlins or Centre Parcs for kids...or better still Summer Camp.....THE WHOLE SUMMER!...You know the ones...when mum and dad say to Charlie Brat in June....."Well son..have fun....(cos we will)..and we will see you in.......September!"

...The check-in girly assured me the reort was huge and there were pools (they have 3 big ones) and areas where the kids don't go....Thank JESUS for that...After a quick Recce I did not want to be surrounded by a thousand indian kids.....yes there are a lot of them here....I had experienced two rude little fuckwits at the Conrad which I forgot to mention...spoilt brats who treated the hotel staff at the pool with contempt - and were left unchallenged by their parents.....they were all for the easy life....sy yes to everything and make their kids other peoples problems....I love those kind of parents....I was waiting for one member of staff to snap and say something and for the parents to have a go at the hotel staff and that would have been a green light for me..thunderbirds would have been fucking go...I would have gone to town on them..and given the fact that I was really pissed at having to wait until Sunday to escape Bangkok.....it would not have taken much to set me off and the eruption would not have been pretty...but the parents were brain dead zombies lounging like fat over-fed lazy hippos.... god it was depressing....I could have stabbed them both with my Sun lounger...but there was more than 2 brats here....more like a hundred...without a zen zone (i.e no kid zone)...I would be appearing on the BBC news pretty frigging pronto on Charges of Murder...

My room though is lovely....even if it is a little dated....I have a balcony overlooking the rainforest garden, sunken bath....walk in shower etc...and a relaxation area with floor loungers...and sumptious cushioning with a floor to ceiling plate glass window looking into the garden...very Zen!

After I had had a shower I noticed my room is 10 seconds away from the spa and gym...the gym is huge and brilliantly equipped...and as the for the health spa..well that certainly gets my vote..it is beautifully designed...tranquil....NO KIDS.....NO NOISE...so I had a 90 minute Thai massage in my private room in the spa.....with water fountains etc...it was perfect...it was also my first proper proper Thai Massage...where they tie you in knots and make you scream...I have to admit for a large part of the experience I was in acute pain...especially when she kept crushing my gonads with her full weight whilst pushing one leg into another...picture it?....I tried to be polite but when she rolled me over to do the same to the other leg...I found myself in the same predicament..so as she pressed in...instead of biting my tongue in half like before...I screamed, and as she jumped I was able to re adjust...phew!....

This evening I ventured out to get dinner for one of the various restaurants...deli's...I wanted to get something to take back to my room - so I went to the Siam Deli...the hotel at night with the way in which it is lit up is quite beautiful......huge lanterns are lit everywhere ...it's alomst a different hotel with restuarants overlooking the reflection pool....it is totally idyllic at night.....and it reminded me of the Trident hotel in Gurgeon in Delhi which I love.....which is a big compliment because the Trident I think is one of the most beautiful hotels I have stayed in....minimalist...zen....tranquil pools....candles...everyone whispers..its perfect...

Tomorrow though it's action stations...gym first thing, breakfast...a quick hour or so on the beach and then I have my safari and finally I get to ride an Elephant, see how rubber is made in a rubber plantation... etc...I can't wait..so it is into a Jasmine bath for me and of to bed!

Night night.

a

Well it had to be done....I hit the drink bars last night..and my what a sight...I got to Silom around 10.30pm and the street markets were in full swing with every tatooed, lanky, skuzzy "essex boy" from Germany, France, Australia and the UK lurking around the stalls and bars with their new chinese aquisitions...along with the nasty little pimps who come up to you every two seconds and mention those two immortal words....."Ping Pong"....and push the menu cards in your face....

The international collection of essex boys did make me smile...I would say these guys were in their twenties...without a care in the world....no respect for themsleves and certainly not for the girls they were dragging around...their mission was clear as day...to shag anything that moved for as long as possible before flying home.....despite that though...I was pissing myself when one of the girls wanted a present...they were looking at the merchandise on a stall selling various interesting items in between a shirt stall and an Art and Craft stall.

She had seen something she wanted and picked it up...a great big dildo..and as she waved it in the air...she demanded that her new man buy it.....he was english and his face went super nova red....I was nextdoor looking at cheesecloth shirts......really laughing...clutching my stomach..the poor guy trying to sell me a shirt couldn't work out why I was apparantly laughing so much at his shirts......ahh god that was funny.....it gave me belly ache....she got the dildo though...she had abviously worked out what the rest of us had worked out...that she would have much more fun with that than with him!

I walked further down the market and I could hear this annoying loud click noise....upon closer inspection a stall holder was sat on a stool clicking a Tazer gun!!!!! What the hell??!!

I also kept seeing stalls selling replica guns and in fact replica everything..if I was louis vuitton, or Tag Heuer, or Diesel or universal studios I would be pretty worried and would be raiding these bloody stalls every five minutes...everythnig is copied.....

After all of that it was around 11.15pm and I thought it was time for a large Vodka tonic...so I went to the famous DJ bar...they were preparing for their nightly show....I went there for a beer when I first arrived and I have to say they take their shows really seriously...even if we don't!...

Anyway as the tension mounted the white stage curtain was raised (it really should be a lace curtain)...and there was a Lady Boy who had had surgery to look like Cher...why? God only knows but he had a wig the size of long island on his head...that fankly needed some TLC..it was a bloody mullet....he was dressed in a gold glittery dress...believing that he really was absolutely the dogs bollocks with his tit and silicone lip implants he pouted his way through a painful Whitney number....with the occasional tit popping out of the costume so he ended up doing a "Janet Jackson" several times...

He was supported by a troupe of dancers.... men and lady boys in their sequinned waist coats and matching skirts....trying desperately but failing miserably to dance in a cohesive choreographed way ...but god bless them..... the stage was the size of a bottle top so they were limited with their moves which no doubt they have to recyle in some small way for each show....I don't think any of them will be entering "So you think you can dance" any time soon...well not in this milllenia....anyway Cher stumbled out her Whitney number...forgetting some of the words as she went...but luckily the real whitney on the sound track had it covered!Phheww..!....it seemed quite an effort really simply for someone to mime into a mike....it was all very Priscilla Queen of the desert.......BUT after Cher had finished her warbler...the lights went out and it was Mariah Carey next....

Well...this one was tall, and lanky sporting a bedraggled long dark wig down to her arse and who had a face like a slapped arse...with a ten pound trout pout on her face...she was the ugliest cow on the planet...looking like a cross between Diana Ross (without the make up first thing in a morning) and Kerry Katonia after she has taken 4 grammes of Ketamin....and eaten a freezer full of "Should have gone to iceland" shite..Christ she/he was awful...but I felt for her because everyone was laughing at her....which was made worse because she really thought she was Mariah...she even kept strecthing the skin around her voice box to get the high notes.....EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ONLY BLOODY MIMING!....FRIGGING HYSTERICAL...Happily she stayed on for 2 numbers so we got double the fun and I quietly wet myelf in the corner......but throughout I could hear this annoying clicking noise...had Tazer Man joined the show somewhere??.. where do these people come from?

After she left the joker came on ...the fat drag queen who is literally three times the size of Vanessa Feltz when she has spent four days at the all you can eat buffet...He came on wearing a boob tube.....and a pair of elasticated black leggings that looked strained with a pair of black beetlecrusher style boots on and mimed an annoying high pitched chinese song.......it was very funny......he is quite the comedian and totally rips the crap out of himself..

But then the show ended...and the rain started....it absolutely poured down....so I legged it to Burger King next door enroute back to the hotel....I was having a sugar low...which when I drink alochol is never a god thing....in their I chatted away with some cabin crew fomr BA and Virgin and the virgin people will be manning my flight back to London on the 31st...how spooky is that! I couldn't actually wait for the rain to finish I was tired...so I said my good byes and legged it for a cab and got totally soaked in 30 seconds....it was a huge down pour and apart for the shower we had earlier this week is the only rain I have seen.....poor Taiwan!

This afternoon, I decided to have a trim at the barber shop in the hotel...I popped in and made an appointment ...it is like going back in time....inside is a whisky bar, traditional barber chair and cigars everywhere....it is the gents domain.....when I arrived for my appointment a chap who was about 75 and superbly dressed greeted me...I sat in the barber chair and he donned on his wonderful waitcoat, face mask (of course) and cocooned me in a mountain of cool cotton sheets to stop the hair getting on my clothes..as I looked around Taylors of Bonds products were everywhere....along with humidors and cigars...the smell was unmistakable...cuban tobacco....mixed in with eau de toiletts....gorgeous...and I was the conscious that my mouth was watering....I havn't smoked for almost 2 years now...and I liked the occassional cigar...I love the smell of them...it reminded me today of my grandfather and his pipe a the Farm and carbolic soap!....I loved it...

The barber didn't say a word...he looked at my head and gently got a brush and dabbed talcum poweder around my head ...he obviously knew what I wanted ....he didn't need to ask...he then got a comb and gave me an Arthus Scargill parting...which started to concern me a little bit...and he then began to clip away at my hair so gently it almost tickled..

My barber, George, back in London who is a genius doesn't mess around like that...but this was actually great..... a real treat...he was so delicate with the clippers I sat thinking "Awwwww you sweetheart"....he didn't want to make a mistake....he worked his way around remaining supremely careful and it looked pretty good... he then splashed into his hand some kind of tonic...rubbed it into my head and then proceeded to give me a shoulder, arm, and back massage....BLISS!....George you're fired!

That all cost 600 bat or £10....so I gave him a 300 bat tip....he is probably paid peanuts by the hotel....and he is a professional....After that though...I dashed back to my room and got rid of the Arthur Scargill parting before anyone noticed......